Jonathan Carroll
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Hard Day…
Long time, no post? I feel like I only write a post when I am in my feelings, but it makes me feel better (kind of…) so I am going to do it anyways. Tonight I am sitting on my patio, listening to my professor talk about cashflows… not so patiently waiting for this misery to be over. I am currently working towards my MBA, while working a full time job and planning a wedding.
OH PAUSE. I got engaged. That happened. I actually feel like I may have posted that on my last blog post but I can’t remember.
So anyways, I have a lot going on. To add to the madness of life, my fiancé’s best friend passed away a few nights ago unexpectedly. My fiancé is a mess, I am a mess because he’s a mess - we are all a mess right now. I feel like I may be over-exerting myself. My brain physically hurts - I guess that’s called a headache, right?
I feel like a piece of my fiancé died when his best friend died. Of course, to be expected. But this is so hard for us. As a couple, this is new territory. No one prepares you for the trials in relationships. Grief, death… such a hard concept. I feel like I don’t know how to be there for him, like REALLY be there. He tells me I am doing what I need to be doing but I just don’t feel like it. He seems so far away… And yes, I am aware he is physically, mentally and emotionally in pain. And I am also aware that this is still very raw for him. I mean it hasn’t even been a full week yet. We haven’t made it to the funeral yet. But this is going to take a long time to heal from and I don’t believe he will ever fully come to terms with it. Again, I don’t blame him and I am very understanding of that. It just breaks my heart too though.
He was supposed to be a Groomsmen in our wedding… how sad. I want to really commemorate him at our wedding so my soon-to-be husband and their friends feel his presence. I want to do him justice and do it right. Ugh. Just sad…
I feel like this post turned into a mess, so maybe I should just call it for tonight. I have a feeling I will be writing a lot more. Tracking progress and pot holes. Growing and healing is not always linear, remember that friends. Everyone in this world is going through… 2020 and 2021 was not it. But we do our best, we push through and we will be alright one day. Remember that - I, myself, am trying to remember that right now. Easier said than done.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Goodnight Tumblr.
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
She’s always going to break your heart…
I always start with a sapping love song… WHY?!
Anywho - it’s been a couple of months since I’ve wrote about life. Anyone up for a little life-date? Probably not but oh well. Here we go.
Depression, alcohol and loneliness do not mesh well. Here I am - sitting in my lonely apartment (+ my pup) and thinking about life - what am I doing with it?
I feel stuck and unhappy - maybe that’s because of this quarantine, maybe not. Either way, I am here and it’s a horrible feeling. Do you ever feel like you have nothing when in reality you have EVERYTHING? Makes you feel empty, useless, and really dumb (great adjective right?)
I miss college. I miss my bestfriend. I am TIRED of the boring 8am - 5pm job I work. Most importantly, I am O V E R my boyfriend and the life that he lives. I love him so much, I really do, but I am struggling with my feelings. I feel like he loves someone else more than he loves me. It started off GREAT, better than I could even begin to put into words. He was great. I was happy. Now something is different, it has been for a while…
I have really, really bad trust issues - on the contrary, I trust him SO much. Now it’s just a feeling of no love - it’s rough. There is arguing, pettiness, and sometimes not even talking to each other. Like, WHAT THE FUCK?
Don’t know where the change happened and why it happened. Don’t know what I did wrong, nor do I know what he did wrong. It’s just bitterness and here we are… going to SEATTLE for my birthday in September to (hopefully) get engaged and here I am thinking that’s going to fix everything… when we all know it will not. Not sure where to go or what to do about any of it.
Hands down, he has been the BEST love of my life. I don’t think I have been for him, though. And damn, if that doesn’t hurt like a bitch then I don’t know what would. :( My heart hurts most days and my anxiety is through the roof all of the time… waiting for him to pack up and leave me for the girl that he really wants.
So what am I going to do? Nothing. I am going to be patient, love him, celebrate him, and wait for him. He’ll come back to me one day. Not sure when or how, but he will…
Until then, friends.
Best -
MC
Another Love Story
Welcome to my blog. I love that every time I get on this website I am writing about another love story… surprise, surprise.
So, because I have no news other than “love news”… here goes nothing.
‘I love you’ is such a powerful phrase… and no, I do not take it lightly, nor should anyone else. I’ve really been let down with this simple phrase. So much so that I don’t believe that it could be true from certain people anymore.
Today I read a post that was about being in love. This post was R A W. This person was so emotionally vulnerable… putting their heart right on the table where everyone could see it - or shall I say, read it. And though this post was probably what every girl in the world would want their boyfriend/girlfriend to write about them; it hurt my heart.
Hmm - Why would this post hurt my heart? I mean, I should be happy when I read a post about someone being in love… That’s a beautiful thing. Yeah… not when it’s your boyfriend who wrote it, and especially when it’s not about you.
Though, this post was from 8 years ago (yes, I creeped and hurt my own feelings), it was the lie he told me that hurt even more.
“I’ve never been in love before you”… yes, those words left his mouth. So yes, I am hurt. Because I truly have never been in love like this before. I have whole-heartedly never IN MY LIFE felt like this before. I’ve never loved someone so much. I look at him and I wonder how in Gods name did I get so lucky.
However, me being hurt because he lied and so obviously has been COMPLETELY in love before, is not the point of this story. The point is, he loves ME right now at this exact moment in time. Yeah, 8 years ago I was saying I was going to marry a boy… that I had dated for two months… yikes. So ladies, don’t get your feelings hurt over things you can’t control. You’re beating a dead horse. I would LOVE if I were the only one my boyfriend loved, kissed and even made love to, but that’s just not how life works. Count your blessings today, tomorrow and everyday for the rest of your life. THAT is the point of this post.
“Love you…”
Two words… two VERY powerful words left his lips.
He was laughing at me for being silly…
He gazed at me as I walked up to him and grabbed my waste…
He pulled me in…
And he said, “love you…”
Let me reiterate that he told me that he LOVED me.
It was an accident, but it was so pure and so real. He really felt it. He loves me genuinely and without thinking about it all, the words just left his mouth.
Today was the perfect day. Simply because I have never in my life felt so many (wonderful) feelings for one person. I told my best friend the day that I met him that I was in love with him, though I was kidding at the time, I knew the feelings that I had in my heart since day one were strong.
I love him, too. I have since our first “hello’s”, conversation, staring across each other at the pool… From the very beginning, I have loved him and I know that he is the person for me.
Ex’s & The Plan.
Ex boyfriends are ridiculous & they haunt you like a bad nightmare.
Break ups are rough and I don’t want to make myself look like a cold hearted person who doesn’t care, but let’s be real here… if something is so incredibly broken and has exceeded the point of damage control, let it go.
And actually, I am okay if I sound cold hearted because I know that I am not. I am actually doing him a favor. I don’t love him anymore, and if I am being honest, I never did.
Dreaming about the future of your life is so much different than the reality of it. Taking the next steps in your relationships (for example, moving in together, marriage, children, etc.) cannot be planned; it’s fate.
One day he will see that, and understand it. As for me, I am doing fine. I am living my life to the fullest… making decisions that might have consequences, or they might not. This is Gods plan and I am following it to the fullest. I will have no regrets, and I will put my trust into His plan.
And right now, His plan is for me to take a nap. Logging off for the day… but let’s never forget Moon Over Mexico. ;)
At a Wedding in Connecticut…
At a wedding in Connecticut
The mother of the bride
Daydreams about her husband who’s just passed
She stands to give a toast
The mother of the bride
Daydreams about her husband who’s just passed
She stands to give a toast
She says ‘the only thing I know
Is when you find a love that’s worth it, make it last’
Is when you find a love that’s worth it, make it last’
So she chokes back to tears
Speaks of all her daughter’s years
Thirty Christmases of memories that she keeps
And the speech was sad and sweet
She kisses guests as they all leave
Then heads up to her hotel room to weep
So she bides her time
And says a slow goodbye
Swears by the morning light she’ll be fine